Mandatory face masks mean entire community can finally buy non-kosher food without being judged by the rest of the community

By, Sabrina Miller, Editor

Modern Orthodox Jews, who have spent a lifetime pretending to be observant can now buy non-kosher food without being caught by the rest of the community. Thanks to convenient-corona-masks, Jews can pile their trollies high with bacon, sausage and pork in front of other unsuspecting community members… preoccupied with piling their own trollies higher with shrimp, prawns and mussels. 

The Modern Orthodox tradition has been sustained solely by a desperate need to keep up with appearances… and a huge amount of gossiping. The new mandatory mask policy is a huge middle-finger to the big brother esque culture that has been cultivated in Hendon.  

One terrified whistle-blower admits that according to Modern Orthodox halacha “you are allowed to break any rule that G-d has commanded as long as you are not caught doing it. For instance, I am allowed on my phone during Shabbat as long as I don’t post– alerting the community to the fact I am on my phone.” 

“Other families have gone one step further implementing holiday rules. Though I have only heard stories about this practice –some are rumoured to disregard Jewish law completely when they are no longer living in Hendon or Golders Green. Eating in non-Kosher restaurants and partying on Friday night is halachically sound as long as another Jewish person out clubbing that same night doesn’t spot you!  

Some Jews are now secretly hoping that hazmat suits will be mandated by the British government so that shulgoers can go on their phones, inside their suit, during the boring services. 

Featured image: Unsplash/Leonardo Carvalho

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