By, Emmett Stone, Contributor

Despite an ease in lockdown restrictions, new police reports have revealed that the considerable resources of the National Crime Agency (NCA) will be diverted away from gang violence, burglaries and illegal drug dealing. Instead, the bulk of these efforts will be focused firmly on what insiders called “the real major issue”; outdoor, community-led minyanim. 

In response to growing rumours, a spokesman for the NCA stated that “we understand that the trafficking of illicit substances, grooming of disadvantaged young men, and the other violent activities associated with other London street gangs are potentially damaging to the communities they inhabit. However, victims of those crime syndicates are simply going to have to wait until the threat posed by outdoor minyanim is dealt with.”

“We need the full powers of the police and security services to ensure that these suspects are keeping two meters apart, and davening within the time allotted for exercise. Besides, at least a dozen streets in Golders Green and Stamford Hill are now full of groups of 10 men—far exceeding the permitted gatherings of 6—yelling to each other from their respective front doors three times a day, and that’s simply too much noise for London”. 

In a follow up interview, Rabbi Menachem Leib, whom the authorities believe to be the leader of the Stamford Hill faction, clarified that since none of the adherents ever seem to arrive for prayers at the allotted times, classifying the supposed violations of lockdown restrictions as ‘organised’ crimes was not appropriate anyway.