Five quotes from The Bible that would have had G-d immediately banned from twitter

By, Sabrina Miller, Editor

Last week, Twitter cracked down on hate speech. After swiftly banning Katie Hopkins from the site, Twitter turned its attention to the Lord of hate speech (as well as everything else), G-d. 

According to Twitter’s official hateful conduct policy, users “may not promote violence against or directly attack or threaten other people on the basis of race, ethnicity, […] sexual orientation, gender, gender identity, [or] religious affiliation.” Unfortunately, G-d’s well-known bestseller, The Bible, violates all of those guidelines. 

Here are five quotes from this Almighty online abuser that would have him chucked off Twitter faster than you can say “Baruch Hashem”! 

1. Samuel 15:3: “This is what the Lord Almighty says… ‘Now go and strike Amalek and devote to destruction all that they have. Do not spare them, but kill both man and woman, child and infant, ox and sheep, camel and donkey.’” 

Now this famous quote is not only racist against the Amalekites but also genocidal. Since genocide is mostly frowned upon in the Western world, it is about time that the monster spouting this hate-fuelled hogwash is banned from Twitter for good! 

2. Bereshit 22.2: “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt-offering on one of the mountains that I shall show you.” 

Human sacrifice is seen by most as an outdated practice. Even G-d will struggle to defend this tweet to His nearly 8 billion followers. It is a clear “promotion of violence” and for that reason G-d needs to be stopped. Another win for the PC police!  

3. Devarim 22:20-21: If “evidences of virginity are not found for the young woman, then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death” 

Apparently calling for women to be stoned to death is a bit too far for today’s modern feminists! Sorry G-d but this tweet is clearly threatening, quite frankly sexist, and just not on! 

4. Bereshit 19:30-38: “both of Lot’s daughters became pregnant by their father.” 

I don’t know if incest is in direct violation with Twitter’s rulebook, but this sort of thing just doesn’t need to be tweeted about. Plus, Lot’s daughters essentially drugged him and raped him. We all know that consent is not consent unless all parties are sober, so I think this warrants a ban, don’t you? 

5. Vayikrah 20: “If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.” 

This cheeky little phrase has been responsible for a whole lot of homophobia over the past 2000 years, and quite obviously violates Twitter’s hate speech policy. It is quite clear to us at Oy Vey that TheTorah has not aged well. It seems as though G-d is not quite cut out for Twitter in 2020. Good Riddance! 

Featured image: Unsplash/ Yucel Moran  

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