By, Sabrina Miller, Editor
An Ashkenazi family failed to realise they were exhibiting key coronavirus symptoms because they had been eating tasteless food for years.
The billionaire family, who insist on eating the food of 18thcentury East European peasants, lost their sense of taste and smell last Wednesday but told Oy Vey Magazine that they initially assumed the food was “As delicious as ever”.
Medical experts who were initially baffled have since concluded that the family’s taste buds had been worn down from years of eating the mushed and condensed leftovers of animals found in Eastern Europe.
Surviving on a diet of cholent, gefilte fish, kugel and herring, the family insisted that ‘herbs’ and ‘spices’ were an unnecessary part of any Ashkenazi Jewish diet and that to really embrace Ashkenazi Jewish cuisine, the blander the better.
Oy Vey were granted an exclusive interview with the family. Fortunately, all those infected with the deadly disease have recovered, but the family admit that “had they been eating food with any flavour they would have noticed their symptoms much earlier.”
In a statement the family said “they were fond of traditional Ashkenazi cuisine, particularly chopped herring, chopped liver, and lamb chops, and saw no reason to alter their diet now that they are immune to the virus. However, the family recommends that other Ashkenazi Jews consider eating food with flavour at least once a week to see whether or not they have symptoms.”
The family in question has recommended sushi as an appropriate flavourful alternative (provided there is no Wasabi within sight). Sushi is now a staple of the Ashkenazi diet and has been found at Kiddushim, weddings and even Brit Millahs. However, even this innovation has incurred the wrath of more conservative members of the community, who openly long for a return to the food of our (poor and long-suffering) ancestors.