By, Sabrina Miller, Editor

In his latest national broadcast, Boris Johnson has announced that the practice of ‘Shomer Negiah’ will be instituted as part of new ‘social distancing’ measures. 

The decision has had mixed reviews within the Jewish community. Sexually frustrated Orthodox Jews have accused Johnson of appropriating Jewish culture and using it to further his political career.

Rabbi Kanter, from the Finchley community had this to say:

“Now everyone is dating like Orthodox Jews! I was walking in the park with my wife and six identically dressed children and everywhere I looked couples were meeting in a public spaces standing a painfully awkward 2 metres apart. 

Couples are deciding to move in with each other after two weeks of dating. Even I waited a month before proposing to my beautiful wife, Chaya. If things continue at the current rate we’re going to start seeing goyishe men and women meeting in hotel lobbies and purifying themselves in Mikvahs in order to control the spread of the Covid-19 virus.