Breaking: Zoom Bar-Mitzvah still boring, but now you can play Candy Crush on your phone

By, Sabrina Miller, Editor

A recent study has proven that zoom Bar-Mitzvah’s are just as boring as live Bar-Mitzvah’s and that the novelty of online leining wears off pretty quickly.

A recent survey conducted by the Jewish Life Foundation has published new data suggesting that the only real benefit of a Zoom Bar-Mitzvah is you can play Candy Crush on your phone without anyone noticing. The survey also suggests that a large number guests mute the ceremony half-way through, so they can waste their Lockdown time in peace.

Oy Vey had an exclusive interview with Jack Goldstein who has attended not one, but two Zoom Bar-Mitzvahs. He admitted that he used to only sit through the leining so he’d “get to go to the party and drink lots of free booze.”

He added that  “cause of all this bloody social distancing all the parties have been cancelled and now the leining is a complete and utter waste of time. What’s the point of a Bar-Mitzvah if you can’t get black out drunk and make a complete twat of yourself in front of all your friends and family? 

Now I’ve just resorted to playing Candy Crush during most of the leining. Good news is by the time he’s leining the Haftorah I’m on level 245.”

Jack had to cut the interview short as he was keen to log onto a Zoom shiur on the laws of Kashruit so he could have a “quick schluf whilst the Rabbi is talking.” Oy Vey Magazine wishes a hearty Mazel Tov to all of the Bar-Mitzvah boys turning 13 during the Covid-19 pandemic! 

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