‘We hate them, because they hate us, because we hate them, because they hate us’ turns out to be the root cause of Middle East strife

By, Jonathan Korn, Editor

After decades of historiographical debate, historians have finally discovered the first cause of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. So, who is to blame for the cycle of violence which has plagued the Middle East for the better part of a century? Is it Israeli settlements, or Palestinian rejectionism, which is responsible for the bloody stalemate? 

In a remarkable discovery, researchers from the Universities of Haifa and Ramallah have collaboratively decided that the root cause of the conflict can be traced to the fact that “We hate them because they hate us because we hate them because they hate us”. Their analysis refers to the “Chicken and egg” effect, where Israeli and Palestinian partisans insist that the other side’s hatred of them preceded the dawn of time itself, or exists in one of those vacuums that Brian Cox is always telling us about in science documentaries.

Unsurprisingly, the report drew withering criticisms from both sides of the political divide. 

The Institute of Casual Racism, based in Gush Etzion, excoriated the authors as “A bunch of anti-semites and self-hating Jews (code for ‘people I do not agree with’)” for suggesting that Israel should take any responsibility for the conflict that has plagued the Middle East for over 70 years. 

Meanwhile, the youth wing of Hamas, also known as the Human Shield Society, put out a statement condemning the “Zionist propaganda”, and claiming that their organisation was completely peaceful, had never broken any treaties and was “not at all to blame for the state of war”. 

However, the whole debacle has achieved something. For once, Israeli and Palestinian hawks are in agreement. Whilst we only hate them because they hate us, we don’t really hate them, but they really do hate us. And if they didn’t hate us, then we wouldn’t hate them. Although we do really hate them. Or something like that.

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